CHAPTER V: SILENT NIGHT?

I took a sip of coffee and felt restless. Small wonder I think.

I kept listening but heard nothing. Maybe it was all just my overactive imagination as usual, conjuring and machinating and, but no. That didn't feel quite right as an explanation and I strained again to hear....something, anything.

NOTHING.

Then I heard it again. What sounded like a car in the driveway. WAIT, was that the garage door opening? How odd. Burglars with a remote to MY garage doors?

How quaint.

I just knew I was in imminent danger of being sent to 'the home,' ANY MINUTE NOW, but I was determined (in my mind) to find the answers to this quandry and then Ok. "TAKE ME YOU BASTARDS," as they led me screaming and flailing...and looking adorable the whole time of course, as usual, and...

Wait. There it was again. Singing. Softly, muted...but singing.

"WTF?"

THAT DID IT. Steely resolve began to slowly replace panic and fear, and feeling for the armrests of the chair, I pushed and up and out I came.

I heard the old Christmas carol in my head as I did so. "SILENT NIGHT, HOLY NIGHT," and thought if I could just be in the Cathedral listening to a Christmas Pageant or twelve, safely inside and surrounded by several thousand screaming fans...no, wait...

I was on my feet SORT OF, and wondering if this was such a good idea, my being a total WOOSIE and all...and decided to hold a small conference with myself, and after careful deliberations and a month or so (condensed) of thoughtful pondering of which I am SOO good at, I came to the conclusion that all this was just mere hyperactive...

BAM.

Excuse me? I am trying to have a conference here.

Too late, I heard it. Hell, they heard it in Johannesburg. It was that loud. BAM, and I could feel the goosebumps I had had all through this flimflammerie being joined by cousins or siblings or...

NO, this is ridiculous. No self-respecting burglar makes noises that loud, while singing and playing the fool.

I suddenly felt emboldened (or what passes for such considering this is ME we are talking about) and I began to move. Toward what I knew not and this was probably foolhardy but never let it be said that I have a whole lot of right good sense at moments like this.

I hit the hallway almost on a dead run and started down it toward the kitchen. I stopped, and dammit. I could definitely hear singing and it sounded EERILY familiar.

I started in again, and made record time until I got to the archway that leads into the kitchen, but saw nothing. NOTHING? WTF? Ok, NOW I was beginning to get a bit...

PISSY.

I do that SO well.

Yes, BY GOD I felt fucking PISSY and JUST as I was well into developing a WORLD CLASS Pisseroo, I saw...

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CONTINUE TO CHAPTER VI: